Winter

I need to write something out. But I don't want to write it where alot of people are going to read it. And I could write it on paper but then what? Then it goes nowhere. Here is good. I only have two followers anyway lol.

The weather has been getting colder and it reminds me more and more of you everyday. I keep thinking back to all the snow. And going places with you in the truck. Sitting right behind you in the passenger seat. Or sitting on the back porch with you guys while you smoked. Or sitting up in my room and hearing you laugh downstairs. I miss that. So much. I especially miss the warmth of the apartment. Our house is so cold now. My hands and feet are always turning colors and going numb because it's so cold in here. I miss you alot. I think about you all the time. I feel horrible all the time for being such a bitch when you were around. It was never your fault and I never wanted to direct it at you. And I really wish I would've gotten you a birthday gift. And watched the kids so you guys could've gone out. I'm so sorry. I keep thinking back to the last time I saw you, and I am so thankful I hugged you before I left. If I close my eyes and think about it, I can still remember how it felt to hug you. I wish I didn't. Makes me want another. I wish I would've gotten to spend more time with you. I remember going to work the morning after you and I sat up talking for hours and telling my friend Kaitlyn how I sat up and talked to you all late. I really enjoyed it. And I think about those conversations we had all the time. In fact, I'm getting something you said as a tattoo! I'm getting it on my wrists either the day I turn 18 or the next day. I'm really excited. I wish I didn't have to those, not under these circumstances at least. I called your phone the other day. I wanted to hear your voice. But it was out of service. I'm afraid I'm going to forget your voice so I remind myself what it sounds like everyday. I forgot how my grandpa sounded... Everyone talks about him and things he'd say and I almost don't remember. I'll never forget you though. I never realized the impact you had on my life. The few months I was around you I remember better than anything. Sometimes, it's almost like all my memories are real. Like when I think about hugging you. Or the time I made those cookies and they were ugly but you ate them all. Or the time you told me I could stay the night at your guys' house because my mom was out with her boyfriend all night. Or that night we sat up talking and you told me you'd take me to work in the morning if I needed you to. I want to apologize for that night too. I"m sorry I didn't talk more. It was obvious you wanted to talk more. So obvious. But all I cared about was sleeping. I can't tell you how many times I've beat myself up over that. I was too fucking concerned about going to sleep because of fucking work in the morning that I just cut you off and was like no I need to sleep. I fucking hate myself for that. I had no idea that that was going to be the last time I'd really get to hang out with you. If I could go back, I would've pulled an all nighter and stayed up and talked to you. We talked about so much. It was so interesting and I memorable. I'm such a jackass sometimes. I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for that. Or the time I wouldn't pick you up to buy cigarettes cuz I was too busy helping out with something at school. That was so stupid of me. That's an extra half an hour I could've spent with you. My head was so far up my ass that I couldn't see clearly. And I fucking hate that it's taken this to make me change. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me sometimes. I wish I could've said all this to you face to face. or could've written it in that letter I left for you. I'm so sorry for everything. I miss you so much sometimes... Happy thanksgiving, big brother. I hope you know how thankful I am that I got to know you.
                       Love,
                          Jess